The end of my two years…I don’t know what to call it. Sabbatical?… may have passed without fanfare from me on the blog, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t notice it passing. I’ve been mulling things over for months now. Well, Contemplation could be my middle name, I’m often mulling – or I wouldn’t have given myself these two years in the first place. But my more specific mulling has been about how things have gone, the end of the two years looming, what I wanted to prioritise, and whether/how I should keep blogging.
My life felt radically different at the start of the two years. Now, while I’ve achieved and am doing things I could scarcely have dreamed of five years ago (a fully-qualified and in-demand yoga and pilates teacher? Pinch me!), I am back on the more familiar ground of Planet Busy. All my life I’ve been adept at getting too busy. Unlike many people I’ve known, I don’t think it’s because I’m hiding from anything, or frightened at what I’d have to face if I had lots of quiet time on my own. Rather, there are SO MANY THINGS I want to do! I pretty much never feel bored and there’s always lots I’d like to do more of, try for the first time, read or learn about. However, digging a little deeper, I think I also have a mental model which says ‘life = hard graft/struggle’. Even if it’s enjoyable hard graft. I’m maybe not comfy with my life feeling easy and pleasant. Almost as if I don’t feel I deserve it. Even though I know we should all grab ‘easy and pleasant’ with both hands and appreciate every moment of it while we’ve got it, because at some point sorrow and pain comes round again for all of us. Even if what feels ‘easy and pleasant’ to me would not rate as such for other people – it’s not as if I’m talking about having staff to do the housework and childcare, never working in paid employment, jetting round the world on holidays, or anything like that!
Whatever, the upshot is that life is way too busy again and has been for the whole of 2014 so far – but aside from my mum being ill and our greyhound dying, it has all been good stuff. Things I enjoy or wanted to take on. However, since August I’ve once more been working a 7 day week and I notice I’m getting a bit grumpy and stressed – and there’s been almost no space for writing at all. Something has to give, and I don’t want it to be my health or happiness.
I was planning to review my two years of braith an’ lithe anyway – by which I mean, read over the posts myself, not post a review about them! Then out of the blue I was contacted by a local lady who had just stumbled across braith an’ lithe. She was astonished that out of the millions and millions of blogs, a Google search about yoga and meditation had taken her so quickly to mine – and she recognised me straight away. So much for the anonymity! Living in a rural community rather than a teeming metropolis, I’ve probably been more conscious than many that anonymity online is far from easy to guarantee. But it was still a bit of a shock to hear someone 7 miles down the road had tripped over my writing and recognised me instantly. I’ve been lucky, though – she’s a nice woman and I have no problem with her reading what I’ve written. In fact, shortly after her initial message to me she sent another, basically saying ‘I shouldn’t have sent that, I was just so amazed, but it’s obviously your private space for writing and I want you to know I hardly read anything and I won’t visit the site again’. I reassured her that it’s a public site and she was perfectly entitled to read it whenever she wanted. But it certainly brought me up short. It was a huge step for me to start a blog and talk myself into writing fairly freely about whatever I felt like writing about. And I’ve just had an absolute demonstration that I can easily be found and identified.
So, although my head is always still full of post ideas, I’ll not be posting for now. I don’t want to delete the blog or particular posts, but I do feel I need to read over what I’ve written and probably edit out anything I find which could be hurtful to or invasive of the privacy of other people in my life. I also need to make some decisions about how I’m going to spend my days over the next year or two – and that’s going to involve sacrificing some of the things I enjoy in order to make space for the others. And more mulling. Meantime, I’m going to keep reading and commenting on others’ blogs under my braith an’ lithe identity – see you there!